Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in idfallasleep4u's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
8:33 pm	kiss me goodbye (the breakup) so sunday night i went to steves house and pictures of his ex-girlfriend were up and all of mine were down, and his cars were there but he wasn't.. so i put all her pictures on his bed with a note that said 'don't fuck with me steve its over-heather' and yeah then i called him and he didn't answer, but i basically said the same thing on that.. then i went there that night, and she (becca his ex girlfriend) was there with him in his room and the door was locked, so i knock on it and say 'hey steve its heather' and i tried to open the door but it was locked.. and the i heard her say 'you didn't tell her? steve you didn't tell her?' so i asked 'becca how long have you and steve been seeing each other again?' she said 'oh a couple of weeks.' i said 'Wow! well i spent the night last night' and i slamed (the front door) and left.. apparently she left a bit after i did.. so i called steve that night and asked him about all of it and he said he was really sorry and he fucked up blah.. blah.. blah.. and he did have good reasoning and shit, but then i wrote him an e-mail and stuff cuz i was trying to figure out if i believed him.. and then he wrote me back with this e-mail. Heather, I'm sorry for what I have done to you. I never meant to hurt you at all. You are to beautiful to hurt like I did. I'm truely sorry and I feel like an absolute dick. I wasn't lying to you about Becca, but you deserve better then me. I think I'm still in love with Becca even if she will never take me back. You deserve someone that can give you 110%. I guess what I'm saying is that I should take this chance to get out of this. I don't want to hurt you again in the future like I did the other day. I thought I was over Becca, but I don't think I truely ever will be. Its funny because you are everything I want in a girl and I still wonder why I think of Becca sometimes. I'm not going to run off and try with Becca again, but I think I shouldn't be with anyone because I don't want to hurt anyone. I do love you and you will always be special to me, but I don't want to weigh you down when you leave away to school or make you concerned on the days we are apart. I broke the trust and I'm sorry. I'm not good at breaking up, I have never had to do it before. So if this sucks I'm sorry. I'm kind of jealous of the guy that gets you in a few years when you are done with school and grown up and beautiful. Maybe I will get another chance then and will be ready to be more serious. Truely Sorry fuck this.. fuck boys.. fuck relationships.. fuck trying.. fuck people.. fuck fuck fuck.... AMEN TO DRUGS!! Heather p.s. i hate it when your not good enough for someone because it makes you think that you'll never be good enough for anyone. and then you downplay yourself, and findout that your not good enough for that person either.. will this ever end?.. god damnit (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 24th, 2004
10:47 am	So i was going to try and just add to my other journal from today, but i can't figure out how to do that.. so i'm just writing a new entry... brig comes back june 1st.. thats pretty stressful to me.. just cuz we're still friends and everything, but can we really do that? can we honestly stay friends? things have been ackward with steve and i lately, and i think its cuz i'm leaving for college eventually, so we're both confused on what to do and where our relationship is going... i got to catch up with christina yesturday. it was nice. i guess i didn't stop smoking pot cuz i smoked last week.. twice.. and i really enjoyed it. so basically i'll still smoke it, but i just need to make sure i'm not getting fat again because of it! ah.. pot.. other drugs are nice to.. pills and whatnot.. but hey.. its all about variety.. you know what i hate is the people who judge you for your own decisions but they're making those same fucking choices, then they talk to other people about YOUR decisions when its really nobody's fucking bussiness... i'm glad i have friends who don't condem me or make me feel bad about things because its not like i don't realize the consequences of my actions.. we all know what happens, or what will happen, or what can happen.. face it! LIVE FREE OR DIE!!! thats the only way to live.. if we're not free to fuck up our lives, then someone will probably fuck it up for us.. so just let us do it ourselves, but be there in the end to help pick it up... GET IN OR GET OUT! heather (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:16 am	hey.. so i've recieved a nomination to recieve an academic achievement award in KIDS class! WOW!!! last week i had a c- in that class!!! so i feel pretty priveledged to get the award.. i think its cuz of my attitude or something i don't really know.. but its a great feeling to know that even though 'academically' i suck, because of my attitude and what not i still recieved an academic achievement award. i love drugs.. heather p.s. i'll write more later today... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
6:05 pm	thisweek parties.. on wendsdays.. goodtimes.. ha.. sneaking out.. 5 nights a week.. taking jack (my dog) to the waterfront, and walking around portland with him... seeing christina.. talking.. hanging out.. talking to brig on the phone as friends.. being with steve.. hanging out with misty and all.. hanging out with molly.. remembering highschool.. thinking about how much things have changed, how much i've changed.. wondering what the fuck i'm going to do with my life.. fighting to stop wanting.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
8:47 am	days i can't believe how close it is until the last day of school.. i think its like 17 days left in school!!! its insane... i've been partying and hanging out with friends and just doing nothing lately, its been great! misty and i have been hanging out a lot and we hungout yesturday and that was cool cuz adam and shawn and some other people were there, and it was chill and fun and i had a great time.. my computer has been down for a week, so i have 46 unread messages! its crazy! so i guess i'll go read some of those... i had fun last week with christina and mer and kira.. we all went to montague and it was goodtimes.. even if we are immature.. thats what i like about us... heather (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 3rd, 2004
10:54 am	shattered pictures with broken frames hey.. so thursday i got in a fight with my mom and she slapped me and i'm not down with that.. i mean fuck i'm 18! you can't hit an 18 year old.. its just not ok.. so i moved out thursday night and moved in with molly, and stayed with molly thursday night, and steve friday, saturday and sunday night. i still don't know what i'm going to do.. i saw my parents this morning, and they asked if i'm going to come back home, and i said yeah probably, its just to inconvenient to not live at home. but now its so ackward and distant with me and them.. its insanly distant.. like they've finally given up on me.. which is great. i'm falling in love with steve, and thats awesome.. he told me he loved me on friday, and i told him i loved him too.. and i meant it.. which was cool.. its weird though cuz i didn't think i could love anyone, like actually love anyone after brig, but i do love steve, its a different kind of love though, deffinately more lustful which keeps things interesting.. :> and its just genuine and emotional and its awesome.. because i can feel that he loves me, and its real.. steve got a dog, he's a minature australian shepard named austin or rosco, haha.. he rocks.. 6 weeks left of high school and i don't know if i can make it.. i'm so tired of it here.. so tired.. damnit.. we went to prom whcih was cool cuz people got to meet steve, but then it was lame.. prom seemed so forced, like you had to tell people they looked good, and have lameass conversations that you wont remember later, and some girls just looked like whores, and that made me mad.. i dunno. its like prom reminded me how much i really don't like high school.. when i'm with steve i forget i'm still in highschool.. i love being with steve... i miss my friends (christina) and i wish there was more time in the day and i didn't feel so tired all the time.. ah.. school.. heather heather (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 29th, 2004
8:43 am	VOTE KERRY GET MARRIED!!! I was in support of Nadar as far as gay rights goes, but its unrealistic to vote for Nadar because he isn't even in the poles in some states! Below is my paper for english (rough draft) supporting voting for Kerry. Please leave any comments you have, oponions or gramatical errors. THANKS :> America the land of freedom, home of the brave. Wait; let’s try that again; America, land of the straights controlling the gays. Voting for John Kerry is the best way for America to achieve gay rights. Kerry believes in same-sex unions, and would support civil unions. Bush opposes gay marriage and civil unions and if elected to a second term, most definitely will amend the constitution taking away all gay rights while banning gay marriages and gay civil unions. “Openly gay, lesbian and bisexual voters comprise at least 5% of the vote in national elections, according to Voter News Service data gathered from 1996 to 2000. The gay vote is even more important in Democratic primaries, where it accounts for an estimated 10% of the vote.” (Gay News From 365Gay.com) It is obvious that gay rights are very important and gay voters have a major impact on who will become the next president. This is America and our voices should be heard. Although Kerry opposes same-sex marriage, he still believes in same-sex civil unions, and that’s a start. Bush on the other hand is currently calling for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages. Bush should be voted out of office before he starts taking away our rights to vote and freedom of speech! Gays and lesbians are generally liberal; “Exit polls showed Al Gore (news-web sites) got 75% of the votes cast by self-identified gays and lesbians in 2000, compared to 25% for Bush.” (newsmax.com). This isn’t just about gay marriage, its about equal rights for gay people, for freedom of speech and freedom of choice. America is ‘intolerant’ to discrimination, so why are we discrimination the millions of gay people in our country? “The mortal danger that our community faces right now is not the battle to win the freedom to marry,” Foreman said. “It’s having the battle shut down by a constitutional amendment.” (newsmax.com). Other challenges the gay community has recently been facing is the approval of gay rights and gay marriage in various states. Over 3,000 gay couples in Multnomah County were wed in March and April, and then it was banned yet again. Same-sex marriages recognized then banned in less than two months! How would women have liked it if when they received their rights to vote, just two months later it was taken away?! This is unjust. Many people oppose gay marriages because it isn’t recognized as tolerable in the Bible, then again neither is divorce or adultery. Considering the United States has separation of church and state, this should not be an issue dealing with religious beliefs! People claim it’s immoral. “As the House Judiciary Committee today held its second hearing on the Federal Marriage Amendment, a prominent pediatrician testified against the measure, saying it would harm American families. The American Civil Liberties Union restated its opposition to the amendment, saying that such an extreme measure would enshrine discrimination into the Constitution.” The ACLU is right. This is discrimination. Gay and lesbian marriages wouldn’t harm American families. Close mindedness, intolerance, and adultery is harming American families. Voting for Kerry is the best way for gay and lesbian supporters to get the recognition and support they’re looking for. Although Kerry opposes gay marriage, he does have “support for civil unions and other measures short of marriage that would extend additional benefits to gay and lesbian couples.” (newsmax.com). Bush is intolerant of gays, and intolerant of equal rights. Is that what we want for America? Vote Kerry and get married! Current Mood: accomplished (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
1:16 pm	bipolar lifestyle relaxation in my body, while my mind, my thoughts, feel so intense. Thinking breathing dreaming... what do i want? at times it seems i want to be alone. to feel alone. to breath alone. i want to play rugby and run and stop losing myself. i wont be content with the lose of myself until i am lost completely. its hard though because i can't get lost completely. i'm too involved with myself. my thoughts. I'm to concious. I wake up again. In my mind thoughts life. There is so much i want. so much i wanted. but i never tried hard enough. and when i did it was either too early or too late. Its always too late. its unreal. the feeling i get when i know i'm doing the wrong thing or have done something wrong. i feel nothing. it doesn't bother me. so much has happened lately, but it all blurs. the painting like 3 colors which turns into 6. a boat passes thourgh the water. disturbuing my thoughts. the tide hits the ground with anger, crashing. over and over. its over. i'm leaving breathing this bipolar lifestyle. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
11:59 pm	like a phoenix reborn.. couldn't sleep last night.. too busy fighting off memories that wont seem to fade.. like a phoenix reborn.. i'm falling so fast into the light.. just hold out a bit longer so you can watch me fly.. it'll be golden... nothings forever... except forever.. so.. last night=hell.. really.. it was horrible... i fell asleep finally (after crying and just being miserable *cuz of my knee... i had acl surgery last thursday.. tore it during rugby) around 2:40am.. i mean really wtf.. it was lame. went to the vet today with steve. we took abby one of his turtles, she has a major bad respitory infection. while we were there the vet lady asked if those were our kids waiting there.. these kids were like 5 and 8!!! haha! so yeah now that i look like i'm what did she think.. like i'm 25 or so? or maybe even 23.. but it was clear that the kids were like ya know 5 and 8.. so that lady was insane. straight up. so yeah.. ya know me and steve.. with our two shitballs running around.. wow.. duh.. dumb bitch. but yeah so anyways, it was cool with steve today... i like him more every day. its a +. he's pretty freakin great~ i talked with him about brig and stuff, it it was cool, cuz he kinda understands cuz him and becca and what not.. so thats good. k yeah.. happy 420 everyone! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 19th, 2004
10:44 pm	life in general (very general statement...) So i've read Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs and am currently reading the sequel Dry. This man is AMAZING! I love his work! Both books are memoirs. Just read them... that is all there is to it. He's so inteligent and relates to you on a 'deeper than surface' level.. Here's a quote from the book Dry, its when Augusten is at an AA meeting or rehab (i don't remember ezactly) and he starts getting emotional (crying; almost) "Then I clear my throat. "I don't know what that's all about," I say. IT scares me that I can have emotions so close to the surface and yet not even be aware of them." Another example of this mans talented work; "Why am I so anxious? And then it hits me. I'm not anxious, I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be so lonely because it seems catastrophic-seeing the car just as it hits you. But then all of a sudden, that feeling is gone and I'm blank. So it's like a door quickly opened, just a crack, to show me what a mess I was inside. But not enough to really stare for long and absorb all the details. Just enough to know the room needed a mojor spring cleaning." BEAUTIFUL!!! I mean really, he explains exactly what i've been feeling lately... so yeah a bit about me...; I'm Heather. I live in Vancouver WA. I have a boyfriend, not a serious one, but he's still my boyfriend, named Steve. I was in a relationship with this guy, Brig, who goes to Princeton now, and we were together for 2 years, and I broke us up because "I hate feeling alone when I'm with someone." And that's how it became and how it most often was with him. He'd explain that there's being alone and feeling alone, and that he's there for me and what not, but I was a mess.. i mean a MESS! I'm doing better now, not so crazy, but once your crazy its hard to turn back because you never know when you could be crazy again.. its just hard for me to trust myself. Not towards other people by ANY means, but just.. i don't know.. by myself? I hate being alone... but even more so I have being with someone and still feeling alone. This is why I like being with Steve. He pays attention to me and we snuggle, and I totally get along with his friends, and he doesn't smother me, and he listens to me bitch (when i make him :>) and he doesn't judge me when i smoke pot (which i am 'quiting' for other drugs :> as in i wont smoke pot anymore but yes.. i will do other drugs!) and we can drink together, and sleep together, and its not so innocent, but not perverted or anything, and he's not concieted, and he has it pretty together... it just sux because we can never really be together because i'm leaving and it just wouldn't work. But maybe thats a good thing. It probably is a good thing. It is. Good. i talked with brig today. my ex. and it was sad, because i think he's just pretending like he cares and wants to be my friend because he doesn't want any enemys, or maybe when he is sucessful and happy he wants me to be there, on the side, to realize what i missed out on,.. what i gave up on. I'd like him to realize that i didn't give up on him or on us. I gave up on myself. today i finally realized that we are so different, and i was always so infatuated and obliterated by him, so much that i couldn't see that we're not right nor each other. not at all. attraction wise YES. and even intellectually, i could hold my own in intimate conversations with him, but really, on a level of 'what do you want in the end?' or.. more so 'what do you want for these next 4-8 years of your life?' i wasn't willing to put in. I lost so much of myself in those years with brig because i wouldn't let myself be who i wanted to be, and when i did i had to hide it from him because i was so soo afraid of losing him. Now i'm just afraid of losing myself with in this lifestyle i'm picking up. i haven't written or kept a journal/diary (a real one) in so long i'm amazed i can still write, or explain my thoughts, just in general. its good to know that i'm still ok. well hey if you've read all of this.. congrats! i can't believe how much i've just written but it feels good.. i think i'll try and keep up with this thing, it'll be my main connection to my friends around here while i'm at college (Central WA Wildcats!!!) heather Current Mood: anxious (3 Comments |Comment on this)